I vowed to myself that I am going to be happy. I’m going to do everything possible to show you that I’m a lot happier without you. I promise to help my best friend to be happy as well. This is an epic adventures with a lot of ups and a lot of downs I’m willing to take. This is my time to show the world I’m more the just the awkward Asian girl who is constantly sad/upset or mad. I’ll prove to everyone I can overcome my depression and blossom into a strong person. This is the vow I made to myself.

I was just watching the Dev mtv special(of course I would) and I watch her talk about her fiance’ Jimmy. It was amazingly beautiful how she felt so strong about him and how he saved her life. It made me cry because I never once felt like that with anyone in my life.

I’ve always been the one to save people but I’ve never been saved. I’ve never been the one who was loved always the one who was giving love unconditionally. Seeing Dev talk so deeply and lovingly about him and the same back makes me really wish I had that with someone.

I wish I could find someone who understands that I am and will always be depressed. I am not the easiest person to deal with and I will always have a battle to put up. I need someone to understand that I’m not the best communicator in the world. I’ll never be able to tell you how I feel or express it. I need someone to understand my constant need for reassurance. I’ve never been secure about anything in my life. No one has ever reassured me that I was ever loved, beautiful for anything along those lines. It’s hard for me to believe anyone could care about me or want me in their life. I need someone to love me through all my bad and good too. I need someone to love me like I love them. 

This has been going on for almost a year and a half now. One minute you’re in love with me all over me. Then the next you want nothing to do with me. What the fucking fuckery fuck is this shit? I’m really starting to just be done and over with you. We don’t even get physical or close anymore, which makes no sense to me. It really makes me feel like pure shit.